Negative Body Image…Began At Age 13

In Body Image, Fitness, Health, Lifestyle, love by Marja

I remember in elementary school sitting on the stairs and looking down at my thighs.  I compared the size of mine to my best friends.  I noticed my legs were bigger and this was the first thought I had of hating my body.

In my adolescence years I wanted to be stick thin. Skinny legs, small bum, just small everything.

As a young teenager I would starve myself with 1 Diet Coke a day. 

I purposely ate rotten Sushi in hopes I would get a parasite to lose weight.

I would take a black sharpie and draw all over my body how small I wanted to be.

I tried every diet pill from hydroxycut to ephedrine.

I would binge eat, then throw up my food so I felt as if I had “control.”

I REALLY didn’t care about my health. I cared about the number on the scale and what I look like in the mirror.

I would take drastic measures to feel and look a certain way

Nowadays, Lifting weights gives you curves, and having curves is what makes you sexy, Right????

My definition of the ideal “body type” has been constantly changing since I was young.

You can say I have never been fully satisfied with how I looked into the mirror.  At first I would strive to be skinnier, then stronger, maybe leaner, more fit, more flexible, blah blah blah…the list goes on.

I was never content or accepting of my body. Even when I hit my goal weight and lowest body fat. I still wasn’t happy, I still believed I could be better.

When I started body building  4 years ago I wanted to be bigger, bigger, bigger! Bigger legs, bigger shoulders bigger butt, more muscle. The complete opposite of what I thought was attractive growing up.

With bodybuilding you get so caught up in trying to look a certain way, being symmetric and continuously building, that I stopped and forgot exactly why I was doing the sport, and what I actually wanted to look like?

This sport seriously wasn’t good for my mental health.

Now I really just want to be HEALTHY.

Mentally strong

Physically healthy.

And Spiritually open and grounded.

Body image You can say is something  I have struggled with for the bulk part of my life.  thoughts of, ” I don’t like this part” of my body can  still cross my mind from time to time. Negative self talk it’s a real thing.

Your internal dialogue can be so toxic.. and it affects women on a day-to-day basis. The way you talk to yourself is probably the way you would NEVER speak to a friend.

At least I know the conversations I’ve had with myself in the past, have not been nice.

Having a perfectionist mentality, can make you go a little crazy

About a year ago I tried an exercise, I was to write down all the negative thoughts that came to my mind in one day. I had over 45 in one day.

Sadly most of them were based around my appearance and my body.

It was so eye opening to see how critical I was on myself and how much time out of the day I spent picking myself apart.

My mind was so preoccupied with damaging thoughts.

All that energy could have been used ON ANYTHING ELSE.

That’s when I made the conscious decision to begin my day with positive affirmation, and let go of the toxic self talk.

My daily Mantra:

May I be Strong
May I be Beautiful
May I be Powerful

Now when I have a negative thought about my body, I allow myself to be with the thought. I recognize the thought and try to come to terms with why I am feeling this way, but I do not let the thought control me.

It took me a LONG ASS time to get here. I’m still a work In progress, but who isn’t?

Being a women in today’s society with social media isn’t always easy, actually it’s pretty freaking hard at times.

You look at what you don’t have or what you wished you looked like.

And we fall victim to making alterations in the way we look and more importantly the way we think about ourselves.

We need to remind ourselves that social media are highlights of peoples lives.

People, traveling, going to social functions, babies being born, hitting new Pr’s at the gym, showing “ripped abs” or “booty gains.”  Everyone’s skin looks flawless with filters and apps, everyone looks straight out of a magazine.

Social media is a great tool to reach so many people and stay connected.

But remember, we are not going to post images of us fighting with our partner, or emotionally going ham on that tub of ice cream, or being so bloated you can’t zip up your jeans.

We want to highlight (rightfully so) the positive moments in our lives not the daily struggles.

Just remind yourself EVERYONE HAS issues, everyone has problems no matter how picture perfect their lives may look.

When I allowed myself to be vulnerable and stop striving for perfection  I started to grow and heal. Coming to terms that it was okay that I didn’t have all my “shit together.”

I didn’t have to have ripped abs, I didn’t have to have a massive booty, I just had to learn to love and accept my own unique body.

I  still struggle with this, but I hope by someone reading this you realize you are not alone. Young girls and women face this on a weekly, daily, monthly basis.  Remember you are SO much more then the number on the scale or the size of your dress size.

And if the scale is only causing pain and insecurity, I say smash that baby or just never use.

Stop trying to chase a number, I promise you at the end of the day it won’t make you happy, focus on the feelings you get from cultivating healthy lifestyle habits (mentally and physically) and the beautiful transformation YOU WILL create within yourself.

Below is a video I HIGHLY Recommend you watch. It is about the power of vulnerability. It really resonated and empowered me, I hope it does the same for you 🙂

It is 20 min long, so make sure you have enough time to watch it:)

Remember you ARE ENOUGH.

Always with Love & Laughter xo,